What this year has taught me

This year surprised me. I don't like change but it seems like everything changed. I rarely cry and yet this year brought a lot of tears, both happy and sad. I usually plan out everything but the best parts and people came when I least expected. I graduated and grew and started college and grew some more.

Here are some things that 2013 has taught me:

-Save your change. I mean this literally and figuratively. Quarters are gold and laundry adds up. But  don't be afraid to record and collect the changes going on around you. It makes the world seem smaller and more fixable if you are able to write down your pain and petitions in black ballpoint pen. I promise.
-It's okay to eat in bed. And to nap on the floor. And to sit on top of tables. Sometimes you need a new perspective on the fixed things around you
-Coffee can't do your homework but it sure can help
-Don't overestimate your knowledge on anything. You are constantly being taught even as you are teaching others. The world is always growing and your heart should be too. Someday I hope that my soul is big enough and bright enough to radiate Love out of the tips of my toes. Until then, I'll keep on learning and growing and dreaming and loving.
-Sometimes days can be like knitting. Knit one pearl two. Get out of bed, shower, go to class, eat, do work, eat some more, climb back into bed. Don't let the days become so monotonous that they all stream together. You'll knit scarves without even realizing it. Surprise yourself. Switch things up. Keep your rhythms interesting
-Some days you will go to Starbucks twice and that's alright. Smile at the baristas. Maybe you'll make new friends.
-Knowing someone's name can quickly turn into knowing someone's heart. He calls us by name so we should probably do the same for others.
-Old friends can turn into strangers in a blink of an eye so try not to blink too much. Make phone calls and write letters instead.
-Sometimes you'll feel like you're taking 3 steps forward and 2 steps back. Look at it as if you are just dancing through life, not stumbling through it
-People will always talk; they have mouths and voice boxes and the mechanics to do so. Some of what they say will build you up to make you feel like you are standing on mountains. And some of what they say will break your heart and your confidence and your smile. Do not put in ear plugs, although that may seem like the easy option. Instead, learn to take everything with a grain of salt. It adds some flavor after all.
-Wear comfortable shoes. But don't get comfortable with the ways of this world. We are broken and hurting and lost and confused and there is nothing comfortable about that. Don't be afraid to speak out and act out and love out.
-There will always be a New Year ahead. A new time for joy and for change and for endless possibilities. Don't waste it. You are given mercies new each morning, so go and watch the sunrise. Dreaming and daring never hurt anyone but don't be afraid to go and do.

Longing to Love

Some days I'm convinced that my arms are like winter branches
Not just cold, but craving what they have lost
Wishing that they could gather all of the buds and leaves and memories
of spring and summer and fall
breathing in the hope that change is coming
But the leaves always leave and the people do too
A string of goodbyes woven from heavy hands and wandering eyes
Winter always seems to come before my heart has gathered enough firewood to keep warm

The longer I run the more familiar my feet get with the dirt underneath them
But the more often they seem to trip on familiar roots
Sometimes remembering coincides with regretting and regressing
I wish there was a word in the English language for the feeling you get
when your whole heart aches as you sip tea and look back on a time
that gave you incredible joy
A word for the way your stomach clenches as your entire being yearns for yesterday
Or maybe just a word for running ahead while looking back and staying present
because I can never seem to juggle all three at the same time

Lately I've been finding grace in the smallest of places
In between pine needles and hang nails and crooked smiles
Sometimes I wish that my heart had hands
as a reminder that I need to give out as much as I take in
I tend to talk about the things I know best:
Jesus and music and tea and myself
But maybe if I started to talk about the things I know least
I could learn to learn more
There is a lot about this world that I am longing to understand
but maybe I should just be longing to love

It surprises me that I'm still surprised by cold winds and cold hearts
I think that He has been revealing Himself to me through goose bumps and held in breath
Reminding me that there will always be things in this world worth shivering over
But there will also be Light worth drawing near to
And we would never notice the Light without the darkness
Maybe one day I'll learn to warm my soul and my hands by the fire without
burning my knee caps
And maybe some day I'll learn to remember without
burning old photographs into my mind
And maybe then I'll come up with a word for training my lungs to breathe in the chill
while exhaling joy and love