Let it be

You are something
Everything
windswept and voices kept quiet
You are nights that pile up tea cups
and mornings that start with laughter
Your heartbeat rings free from the pain you've known
You're home- I know it seems like a rather unassuming place
This humble space
sandwiched between "we've got no idea" and
sweet, sweet bliss

It will all fall apart before you finish counting your blessings
but keep on counting
Out of the ashes and rubble you'll learn how it feels
to start anew, over and over
The wildflowers in your heart will surely bloom again
I can see the darkness in the valleys beneath your hopeful eyes
But the times ahead will be filled with a grace
that washes over your fumbling hands and forgetful heart
It's a start

And I can guarantee there will be
Broken, hopeful people to walk with you
To point you to Jesus and sunlight and the good stuff
made of spontaneous adventure
You will wander
You will trust the familiar feelings of lust and longing
and comparing all you're not to all you ought to be
Let it be

You'll burrow into the achey kind of sadness
that makes you crave being alone
but your bones are Sacred
You are stitched together with hopeful words
Held close to your Maker
Let it be
You're a holy sinner not a Savior and it's not your job to be
perfect

Take that in, press the words upon your spirit
You'll make more mistakes than you can list on your forearms
But you'll be strong
You were made to walk the waters of reckless abandon
Give up your planned out plans
and hold fast to the hope that once you've been lost
you'll surely be found
You're home now

Dear India,

Dear India,
We started missing you before we even left
You are more alive than any place I've ever been
You are not the desert I dreamt you up to be
No, you are sopping wet with spirituality
You're just in need of a Gardener
to wade through the muddy waters
and seek out the truth

You have shattered my alabaster heart
My eyes cannot take in all the pain
My mind does not know where to start
and yet your joy is abundant
Singing when He comes I shall be like Him 
on chaotic streets and in crowded homes
I feel known by people I've never met before

Dear India,
I haven't stopped praying for your children
For all that is and all that has never been
Wishing I could scoop up all the wide eyes,
wild hair, and eager smiles in my arms-
I am far too small
But I know my Father holds them all
My Mother sings them sweet songs of someday

You are spilling over with bright colors, wandering eyes
Trash piled up, magnificent sights
You are coated with more visible contradiction
than I've ever seen
And yet you've led us to search for authenticity
You leap into prayer fearlessly
I've never encountered so much trust-
a faith that heals wounds that run deep

Dear India,
We will be back
Maybe not our feet but in our minds and our hearts
We will revisit you day after day after day
Boldly praying in expectation of change
Your people will be renamed
Instead of carving idols out of the stones of iniquities
we pray that Jesus will flood in to wash your dusty feet
Your women shall be dignified
Love shall rise
We'll toss flower petals in the wind singing,
No more pain, I shall be like Him 

Amen.

Hold On

I am becoming more aware that I am not enough
My hands are not made to hold the world
and all the people in it
I will never be able to sweet talk the waves
into kissing the shoreline
But that does not mean that the tides will stop rolling in

I am a first class example of consistent stumbling
Mumbling hopeful words into darkness
Begging the light to spark
so that I can grasp my surroundings
Gasping for air
There are days I feel like I'm drowning
and I'm merely sitting there

I am growing tired of looking for simple solutions
that I can sip with my morning tea
instead of looking for You
"We need You now more than ever"
I'm sure that will always be the cry of surrender
A constant reminder that You will always be better
than I could ever dream You to be

Thank goodness Your perfection fills in the cracks of my mistakes
I am not a fan of letting my feet leave the ground
or leaving too much room for chance
My hands and my heart are far too greedy
I take on much more than I can handle
But You hold me here
steady and stable
I'll never be an anchor
You bring me to the table
and tell me that I don't have to be

You will always be much more than I can handle
But I'll keep daring to wade into Your presence
Outstretched arms in reckless abandon
I am Yours, I am lost, I am looking for answers
And I am tired of feeling the undeniable weight
of waiting for things to change
I'll keep on following string with my finger tips
Tracing my way back to You and Your holiness
Trusting that You've got a hold on all of this
and I never quite will

Praying for Ferguson

At times like this I don't know what to feel
Anger of course, heat rising up
like summer sun on a Missouri sidewalk
I am painfully ashamed at my country's concept of justice
It makes no sense, it makes no sense
repeating to myself as I shake my head
The only words that come to mind are heart-broken and shattered
desperate for change
Losing "progress" that I'm not sure we ever gained

You can't take slavery and rename it racism
and then just call it "the way things are"
You can't have violence just for violence sake
But really this system went up in flames
long before the day that it was decided that a young man's life
wasn't even worth a trial
Living in denial, somehow still thinking that things are just fine

I will never have to justify the fact that my life matters with a hashtag
I sit here so far removed, so confused
Not wanting to even look at the news
because I just want to hear the stories
Knowing that an abuse of power is deeply rooted
in a systematic injustice that is so hard to undo
I will never have to clarify that I do not have a gun on me
But his legacy is not meant to be a burned up and vandalized community
"Channeling your frustration in ways that will make a positive change"

At times like this I don't know what to feel
Not because I am white but because I am human
Because my heart breaks knowing that
a boy's life should never bring about violence
and neither should his death
Justice isn't found in bullet holes and chalk outlines
flaming cars or smoke filled skies
Silence rarely brings about change
But it seems to be what I'm filled with
Deafening silence that aches in my bones
because I don't even know where to begin

This is neither the beginning nor the end
A continuation of disgrace, bringing to light a plague
That we've allowed to sicken us for so long
Song after song crying out
We are hurting, we are broken, we are honestly a mess
It makes no sense, it makes no sense

The Light

The light is fading

catch it quick

Slip it into the drink of a young girl who needs it

Paint it on your finger tips

Smudge it on your cheekbones

Know that you are not in this alone

Let your breath fall like raindrops on a Tuesday afternoon

You are not you

You are the compilation of decades of dreamers

just trying to matter- just trying to take up space

You are your Mama's artwork, Daddy's best catch

You are the exhale of a Monday morning,

a constant "Here we go again"

The light is fading

tame it quick

Whisper it into existence

Name it with your lips

Write it into your daily routine

right after your brush your teeth

The flicker of candlelight on a Friday night

wrapped up in sheets

You are the music moving the story

The dramatic pause and the cascading conclusion

You are the very pulse of movement

The light is fading 

hold it quick

Stitch the warmth into the lines on your palms

You'll need it when the gray clouds come

covering you from horizon to horizon

You are the boldness of sun

daring to rise and

You are salt water stinging eyes

You are a mess and you're still here

The ribcage in your chest more capable than you thought

of holding up your heavy heart

The light is fading

find it quick 

Redeemed

I've never been one of the cool kids
With the right gym shoes and the right words to say
I've never been picked first or felt loved most
I trip over my words and over my feet
And some days it seems that I undo more "good" than I speak
And still You've picked me
Out of a crowd and up into Your arms
You've chosen me to be Your Beloved
How good it feels to be called home after I've made mess after mess
Dug holes in the yard and filled them with my regrets
You've picked me

I have been redeemed
Seen even when I feel unseen, unclean
I have wrestled with demons and heartache and lost
But my Savior paid more than the cost when he died for me
Set free from all of my own insecurities
My addiction to making everything seem settled and safe
I've learned that your grace works most in the midst of the waves
chaos abounding often leading to love astounding
Like winning a race I didn't know I was running

I will always be running
You set my course and anoint my feet
Giving me worth when I should have been worthless
Purchased by the blood of a Savior
Who paid my entrance fee into the kingdom of glory
I have been redeemed
And still day after day I'm learning what that means
That I am free in his love and the security of knowing
that even in the moments I feel lost, I've been found

You have called me higher
Made me to love deeper and wider
But I wasn't left to walk this terrain alone
Surrounded by community formed of holy unity
You put on your hiking boots and came to walk by my side
And I am called to arise
Rescued from darkness and brought into light
With wounds in my sides that seem to match Yours
I have been jaded and hurt, I've wandered and lied
but through it all you've picked me
Saved me through Your wishing well ways
Washed clean by buckets and buckets grace
I have been redeemed

Sweet Summer

We arrived with clean feet and open hearts
Some of us more ready than others-
a ragtag bunch of people attempting to get it right
and not always knowing exactly what "right" is
We were greeted by the pine trees with their brave branches,
the sun peeking through as if to say "Welcome home"

We sat in circles and prayed in circles and ran in circles
preparing for the days to come
But how can you prepare for the lakeside conversations that break your heart?
Or the nights spent stargazing, staring off into an endless sky created by an endless Creator
Or the hours upon hours spent scooping ice cream and watching children play in the water
singing to ourselves "No place I'd rather be"

I swear that laughter is God's joy personified
And this summer we laughed and cried and laughed until we cried
We broke bread and broke down
Each day offering a new chance, a new start, a new song
We were called to love and to teach and to empower
But there were mornings that I really didn't feel like getting out of bed
And still the Christ in me said "Let's tackle this one together
and learn a little bit about grace along the way"

This was not a mountaintop summer but instead a summer of foundation
Of building up the important things
and breaking away the not so important ones
It was a summer of empty coffee cups and beautiful conversations
Of growing and learning and letting go and changing
I think it rained so much not just to keep us on our toes
But to let us know that though storms may come
we are held safe by our Maker
Gentle raindrops calling "Come and worship, come be washed clean"

We'll leave this summer with dirty feet and full hearts
Some of us more ready than others-
a ragtag family of sisters and brothers in Christ
ready to go out and be light
Because we know that even when the dirt road turns to pavement
and the summer sky fades to fall
Camp isn't just a season, it's a feeling
A feeling of being loved and free and a tad bit crazy
Never an ending, always a fresh start
Knowing that we've become a part of each other's stories
Creating new testimonies in a place that always beckons
"Come back soon"