Mourning

The words feel too empty
Too incomplete
I'm offering prayers that walk streets
I do not know. I cannot fully know
But I can lament
And let my lips linger
On names that spent
their last moments running
from fates unimaginable

How do we reel in the darkness
from swallowing the light
The whole earth is mourning
all creation groaning
Desperately trying to hold the reigns tight
Our blisters have blisters, the day becomes night

In the midst of our cries 
you are the source of peace
You are the song the sidewalk sings as it cries itself to sleep
You are the joy on the horizon
A love undivided
You are the whisper to keep running, dancing, laughing, loving
Even when our feet cannot bear the load
you are the arms holding us close

Clothed in permanent sack cloth and ashes
Mourn with those who mourn
There's a new morning coming, I'm sure
filled with peace unknown
Foreign to our weeping bones
No more bullet holes
through car windows

Train your lungs to breathe in new spaces
The opposition of hate is not more hatred
Be the very testimony that Love shall prevail
Even as the world tries to nail
hope to a cross over and over

And over and over
We are the broken ones crying out to be healed
Forgive us for we know not what we are doing
Don't let our anger settle into the conclusion
that violence is normal-
It will never be normal

We do not have the words to say
Because we're not supposed to
We were not made for this
A pain so divisive, aching hearts and bitterness
This is not the garden we were planted in
But each morning is a chance to rise again
Grateful for breath in our lungs
The songs that have sung for thousands of years
against all odds, against the backdrop of fear
Reminding us that even when sorrow comes day after day
Hope will always get the final, final say

Oh, be gentle

Be gentle with your heart
It's the only one you've got
It's okay to hold it softly
to let the creases in your bending fingers cradle
its every pulse
You're alright, you're alright
All is right with this very moment
Even when your broken shows
and you can't control it all
You can slip in sidewalk puddles
And crawl into the safe spaces of
blankets warmed by another
You can throw up arms
in sweet surrender
There is a simple strength in refusing to be strong
You will carry on, you will carry on
Cast your burdens and She'll carry them home
It's okay to not want to be known
To claim your invisibility for a moment of peace
Do not hide your beauty
-the very beauty of being alive
Feeling the fullness of life
The hard, hard moments of wishing you could let go
and the sweetness of coming back home
to flickering candlelight that smells of
vanilla and sandalwood
You are light, you are light
Take the risk and do not catch your fall
After all, there is a sweet bliss
in waking to the falling rain
And knowing it is not okay
but it does not always have to be
You are whole, you are whole
Held by the sweetest Peace you'll ever know
Days will come and days will go
And trusting your lungs will keep breathing
is just the place to start
Be gentle with your heart

Hands

To the North Park student at the Sex Signals improv show who said that sometimes "no" means "yes" 

Rape is not a joke
There is no punchline in being punched by
objectification
Having no final say in
the state of your body
Hands should be helping, uplifting
instead of holding hips in
parenthesis
Whispers are not any less than
the screams of no, please

There is no power in taking hold of another's hope
There is no love in force
We teach hemlines to be longer
instead of telling hands to stop
Why do we say things are okay in the dark
That alcohol makes someone
not human at all

That's what you suggest
when you violate identity
Consent is not sexy, it is necessary
Victim blaming
Slut shaming
Not naming the cause of the pain
The misuse of bodies scattered on floors
We ignore the disease until symptoms show
and threaten our reality

May we be
the ones who sing sing light in dark places
Created as safe spaces
May we rest in the One whose hand is over everything
The One who weeps over
Her children's pain
May we hold close the hearts that are still healing
We are all still healing

Shattered but running
Let us keep running
Never letting the hurt hide behind closed doors
May we never ignore the voices that cry out
The brave souls and feet that walk
streets of recovery
Mourning with those who mourn
May we dare to live in abundance of peace

Let it be

You are something
Everything
windswept and voices kept quiet
You are nights that pile up tea cups
and mornings that start with laughter
Your heartbeat rings free from the pain you've known
You're home- I know it seems like a rather unassuming place
This humble space
sandwiched between "we've got no idea" and
sweet, sweet bliss

It will all fall apart before you finish counting your blessings
but keep on counting
Out of the ashes and rubble you'll learn how it feels
to start anew, over and over
The wildflowers in your heart will surely bloom again
I can see the darkness in the valleys beneath your hopeful eyes
But the times ahead will be filled with a grace
that washes over your fumbling hands and forgetful heart
It's a start

And I can guarantee there will be
Broken, hopeful people to walk with you
To point you to Jesus and sunlight and the good stuff
made of spontaneous adventure
You will wander
You will trust the familiar feelings of lust and longing
and comparing all you're not to all you ought to be
Let it be

You'll burrow into the achey kind of sadness
that makes you crave being alone
but your bones are Sacred
You are stitched together with hopeful words
Held close to your Maker
Let it be
You're a holy sinner not a Savior and it's not your job to be
perfect

Take that in, press the words upon your spirit
You'll make more mistakes than you can list on your forearms
But you'll be strong
You were made to walk the waters of reckless abandon
Give up your planned out plans
and hold fast to the hope that once you've been lost
you'll surely be found
You're home now

Dear India,

Dear India,
We started missing you before we even left
You are more alive than any place I've ever been
You are not the desert I dreamt you up to be
No, you are sopping wet with spirituality
You're just in need of a Gardener
to wade through the muddy waters
and seek out the truth

You have shattered my alabaster heart
My eyes cannot take in all the pain
My mind does not know where to start
and yet your joy is abundant
Singing when He comes I shall be like Him 
on chaotic streets and in crowded homes
I feel known by people I've never met before

Dear India,
I haven't stopped praying for your children
For all that is and all that has never been
Wishing I could scoop up all the wide eyes,
wild hair, and eager smiles in my arms-
I am far too small
But I know my Father holds them all
My Mother sings them sweet songs of someday

You are spilling over with bright colors, wandering eyes
Trash piled up, magnificent sights
You are coated with more visible contradiction
than I've ever seen
And yet you've led us to search for authenticity
You leap into prayer fearlessly
I've never encountered so much trust-
a faith that heals wounds that run deep

Dear India,
We will be back
Maybe not our feet but in our minds and our hearts
We will revisit you day after day after day
Boldly praying in expectation of change
Your people will be renamed
Instead of carving idols out of the stones of iniquities
we pray that Jesus will flood in to wash your dusty feet
Your women shall be dignified
Love shall rise
We'll toss flower petals in the wind singing,
No more pain, I shall be like Him 

Amen.

Hold On

I am becoming more aware that I am not enough
My hands are not made to hold the world
and all the people in it
I will never be able to sweet talk the waves
into kissing the shoreline
But that does not mean that the tides will stop rolling in

I am a first class example of consistent stumbling
Mumbling hopeful words into darkness
Begging the light to spark
so that I can grasp my surroundings
Gasping for air
There are days I feel like I'm drowning
and I'm merely sitting there

I am growing tired of looking for simple solutions
that I can sip with my morning tea
instead of looking for You
"We need You now more than ever"
I'm sure that will always be the cry of surrender
A constant reminder that You will always be better
than I could ever dream You to be

Thank goodness Your perfection fills in the cracks of my mistakes
I am not a fan of letting my feet leave the ground
or leaving too much room for chance
My hands and my heart are far too greedy
I take on much more than I can handle
But You hold me here
steady and stable
I'll never be an anchor
You bring me to the table
and tell me that I don't have to be

You will always be much more than I can handle
But I'll keep daring to wade into Your presence
Outstretched arms in reckless abandon
I am Yours, I am lost, I am looking for answers
And I am tired of feeling the undeniable weight
of waiting for things to change
I'll keep on following string with my finger tips
Tracing my way back to You and Your holiness
Trusting that You've got a hold on all of this
and I never quite will

Praying for Ferguson

At times like this I don't know what to feel
Anger of course, heat rising up
like summer sun on a Missouri sidewalk
I am painfully ashamed at my country's concept of justice
It makes no sense, it makes no sense
repeating to myself as I shake my head
The only words that come to mind are heart-broken and shattered
desperate for change
Losing "progress" that I'm not sure we ever gained

You can't take slavery and rename it racism
and then just call it "the way things are"
You can't have violence just for violence sake
But really this system went up in flames
long before the day that it was decided that a young man's life
wasn't even worth a trial
Living in denial, somehow still thinking that things are just fine

I will never have to justify the fact that my life matters with a hashtag
I sit here so far removed, so confused
Not wanting to even look at the news
because I just want to hear the stories
Knowing that an abuse of power is deeply rooted
in a systematic injustice that is so hard to undo
I will never have to clarify that I do not have a gun on me
But his legacy is not meant to be a burned up and vandalized community
"Channeling your frustration in ways that will make a positive change"

At times like this I don't know what to feel
Not because I am white but because I am human
Because my heart breaks knowing that
a boy's life should never bring about violence
and neither should his death
Justice isn't found in bullet holes and chalk outlines
flaming cars or smoke filled skies
Silence rarely brings about change
But it seems to be what I'm filled with
Deafening silence that aches in my bones
because I don't even know where to begin

This is neither the beginning nor the end
A continuation of disgrace, bringing to light a plague
That we've allowed to sicken us for so long
Song after song crying out
We are hurting, we are broken, we are honestly a mess
It makes no sense, it makes no sense